True Love Waits.

 I wanna tell y'all a secret. It's not really a secret but it is very important. LOVE. YOUR. SPOUSE. Easy right? Seems like it should be. But do you?

I firmly believe that Kevin Dreaden is who I was put on this earth to find. My invisible string. My one true love. My only exception. My guy. And I also firmly believe he's crazy to have stayed. Let me explain. 

We've been together for 12 years. Married for 10. I have been so miserable with myself for these last 10 years that I never let him in. I pushed him away for so, so long. And he stayed. I've always had anxiety. My anxiety isn't a nervous, picky anxiety. It's mean and angry. It lashes out and hurts people I love the most. Hurt people hurt people. Misery loves company is a true statement. That's a hard realization to come to-realizing you're kind of an asshole. It was shocking and made perfect sense all at the same time.

I've done the "outside" work. Now, I'm working tirelessly on the inside. Figuring out why I'm anxious and why I was so unhappy. It's a myriad of things really. Things that aren't important. But it's working. I had a breakthrough a few months ago that I'm finally ready to share. It was late. Kids were asleep and he and I were just chatting and it all hit me at once. The tears, the epiphany, the extreme feelings of regret, and the most intense feeling of love I've ever felt. HE STAYED. I'm absolutely losing it. Snotty crying and incomprehensible. I ask him. "Why did you stay? I was so mean and horrible to you." He looked me dead in my eyes and said everything I've ever needed to hear. Something that I've needed for such a long time. And it was short, concise and to the point. And if you know Kevin, that's gonna be a little funny to you because he's always long winded and thorough. He said, "because I love you and I knew you'd get here."

He could've threw up a peace sign and bounced. I gave him every opportunity. I was so sad and so mean. So undeserving. But, that's when we need to be loved, and loved properly, the most. He saw what could be.

He's everything everyone deserves. What we are all searching for. All the descriptions of love in books and movies. He is all of that. It's more apparent every day that he and I were supposed to find each other. It was always meant to be him and me. It's this. Right now, that's what it's all about. This is what they're talking about when they speak about being "happy." 

I still have much work to do, but, I have all the support I could ever need in Kevin. I've had kind of a crisis of faith in the last couple years, but, I know there is a good Lord above us because of the grace I have been granted when I most certainly didn't deserve it. I really lost the weight when I figured out how to lose the weight of everyone else's expectations. And that, friends, is the real miracle. 

HE STAYED. So I will prove to him that he made the right decision for the rest of my days here. Love you all so much!

The Real MVP.

It's fall break. The weather is getting cooler. Post season baseball. The wildest college football season I've ever seen. The best time of year. Halloween is around the corner which means Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year are a blink in time away. 

We've had a great fall break. Time with Grammy and Nik Nik and several days at the beach! We were riding down the road last night after dinner and this conversation ensued. 

Noah: "MAMA! Need *what sounded like "turtles"*

Me: "You need turtles?"

Noah: *what sounded like something about a tree*

Me: "Buddy, I have no idea what you're saying..."

Kate: very matter of fact, "Mama, he said he needs his toiletries..."

Noah: very excited, "yes...toiletries!"

Me: to Kate, "you're the real MVP!" 

What would I do without this girl? I know alot of my updates are about how Noah is doing and what is happening with him. But, this girl deserves her own update. She's navigating big feelings and overcoming her anxieties. She is EXACTLY like me. Flips at the smallest inconvenience and loves with all she has. I have said this for as long as I can remember that I don't deserve her but I have to tell you. She's exactly what I NEED. She is kind, she is nurturing and most of all she is pure love. She always makes sure to tell everyone something nice. Just a little something to make somebody else feel good. She's everything we all need.

I've also been navigating some big feelings in recent months. I've recently begun therapy to get a handle on some inner feelings and have made some big realizations about myself. And sometimes I have a little break through and cry a bit. I know everyone has their feelings about whether or not parents should cry or show big emotions in front of their kids. But, I want her to know that it's ok to feel your feelings. After all, she is mine. And I've always been an emotional creature. And personally, I think it's important and will be better for her in the long run to tackle these feelings and emotions as a kid instead of a thirty-something adult. She needs good, strong coping mechanisms now. But let me tell you about this girl. She ALWAYS wipes my tears. It's never "why are you crying?" And it's always, "Mama, are you alright?" Her tender heart is my favorite thing about her. And there's something about being a child's favorite girl. She's healed parts of me I didn't even know were broken. And the best part of all of this is she doesn't even realize it. She doesn't realize how wonderful and special she is. A true gem in this world. I know there's a God because I seem Him in her every, single day and that my friends is what I'm most thankful for.