A Mother's Heart Beats Outside Her Chest.

I am no one special. There are no songs written about me. No billboards bear my picture and still no books have my autobiography in mind. I am just a mom from a small town in Tennessee. There is nothing grand about me. I have been in love a few times and fallen out of love twice. The world will still turn long after I'm gone, but there's one thing that's extraordinary that I've been apart of and that makes me whole. I am not empty and I am not missing parts. You know it's funny, I didn't know your heart could survive outside your chest. And no, I don't really think a heart can prosper outside a body. A proverbial heart if you will. That's the thing about being a mom. Mom's hearts are outside their body.

I was born on September 3rd, 1986, to two people who've taught me more about family than anyone could. It's pretty awesome when your parents can be in the same room. And they even have the same last name. Please, don't think I'm judgmental. I've been married and as it turns out it ended quite painfully in divorce but that's neither here, nor there. So, when I got divorced I felt like I had failed at a family. I thought it meant every other weekend and split up holidays. A little piece of my heart breaks and falls apart every time Noah has to leave. And that will never change.

Very young, I decided I wanted a career in health care. So, I applied to nursing school the second I graduated high school. I got in after three semesters of prerequisites. There were ups and downs during this period. In Nursing III, I got engaged to a man. We were in love and it was grand. Well, you all know the rest I'm sure. I didn't pass my Nursing IV exam by seven questions, causing me to fall behind 2% the required percentage to pass the class. I failed. I've never failed anything in my life. It was a turning point. I was depressed for months and months. I could no longer keep my job because it stipulated that I be a student in nursing school, and without a nursing licence, I couldn't have my new job as a night nurse on the orthopedic floor. I felt nothing. I felt defeated. It was the end of the world. All I wanted was to be a nurse. My dream was dead and I had no where to go.

I was unemployed for ten weeks. Ten grueling weeks. I put in application after application. Unemployment unfortunately pays nearly nothing. So, I couldn't afford much. And what I could afford didn't include birth control. I finally got a job at Williamson Medical Center. Ironically enough on the orthopedic floor. So, things were looking up. I was making money. It was an awesome job with awesome people and pretty good benefits. I was putting nursing school behind me and moving forward. I was planning a wedding and everything was going as planned.

It was mid-December. Six months had passed. I always thought about school. Why had I failed? Was I ever going to live my dream? I had started having strange headaches and was getting nauseous at the same times during the day. Hmm? Well, I'd had trouble with nausea with different birth control pills in the past so I didn't think much of it. One day I asked my fiance to bring home a pregnancy test because I was pretty late. I've never been on time so I wasn't worried. Well, lo and behold, I was pregnant. Pregnant and unmarried. HOLY CRAP. I was petrified. Ashamed. I was absolutely not ready to have a baby, be a mom, raise a decent human being. So, that family that I talked about earlier didn't include premarital pregnancy. I was terrified to tell my parents. But I did. And after the shock and the disappointment wore off, we moved up the wedding and I was happy. Married. Pregnant. An adult in what seemed like less than fifteen minutes.

Noah was born on August 19, 2010. He was beautiful. He was a c-section baby so his head was beautifully round and perfect. His eyes were ocean blue. Sparkly. His eyes sparkled more that any diamond I'd ever seen. It was magic. Then I knew. My dreams were paused because Noah was my dream. It was an unknown dream. My love for my son has far surpassed any job I could ever want. I always searched for the reason why. Nursing school was a fail for me because I know if I would have passed I would still be able to afford birth control and wouldn't have gotten pregnant when I did. Circumstances will come and go, but Noah is constant. And for that I am eternally grateful.

Now, Noah's three. THREE! What happened to my baby? That sparkly blue-eyed baby grew into a sweet little boy. He's turning on light switches, opening door knobs, feeding himself. He's learning! He also sings. No words just a melodic tone and smiles. I know in my heart he's singing. It's astonishing. How do you love a person so much. And it's instant. I didn't grow to love him. I loved him the SECOND I laid eyes on him. Don't get me wrong, I loved while I was pregnant with him but when I first saw him I knew. Wow, that's real, unfabricated love. Noah is mine and I am his. And that will forever be a truth.

Baby, I'm Amazed by You.

First, I would like to apologize for the length of time between posts. Combination of writer's block and hideous sickness. I'm on the mend and will hopefully have answers to these headaches soon. Now, onto the good stuff. I read an amazing and inspiring post on Facebook today and it gave me a fantastic idea on what to write about. I want to share with all of you why I'm so blessed. Amazed really. I hope you find a smile on your face when you read this.

I am amazed that on August 19, 2010, I gave birth to a one of a kind, smart, happy, wonderful, soul enriching son.

I am amazed at the overwhelming amount of support that I receive on a daily basis from everyone about Noah's progress and well-being.

I am amazed that such a tiny soul could fill my heart with such joy and love.

I am amazed that there's absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for this boy.

I am amazed that I've met and fallen in love with such a wonderful man who accepts me for who I am and doesn't ask me to change or expect me to change, who not only accepts but welcomes all of my previous "life experience", who understands that I am not a blank canvas, and who is happy to add to my artwork of life and make it our own.

I am amazed that Noah learns something new and exciting everyday. His memory is astounding.

I am amazed that when Noah and I went to fill his prescription today in town in Chapel Hill that he ran down the strip to his therapy office and waited. He loves therapy. He screamed for weeks even pulling in the parking lot. HOORAY for life victories.

I am amazed that in the last week Noah has learned about the laundry hamper. He knows where his dirty clothes go. He jumps up and down for joy every time he puts his clothes away! I've discovered I don't give Noah enough credit for what he can learn and do. I know he isn't developing like other kids and I have to teach him to do the same things other kids do. I cannot compare the two things. I can only teach Noah his own way and in his own time. That's the key to Noah. That I have figured out.

I am amazed that he is kind. I've been under the weather for over a week. He on occasion will stop playing with toys and come and lay in my bed with me. He'll look over with the sweetest smile as if to say, "I know you don't feed good, Mama, so I came to lay with you." He'll tackle me with hugs and kisses. My favorite part of life.

I am amazed that modern medicine has come such a long way. There are programs and programs and programs for children with developmental disabilities. Autism is on the map 100% more than in the past.

I am amazed that I caught Noah driving toy cars around. That's appropriate play for a child of his age! That's major progress.

I am amazed that such a something so small in stature could fill my heart to the absolute brim and overflow it with such joy and love. I wasn't complete until the nurse put Noah in my arms. My life has a purpose.

I am amazed by Noah everyday. I don't see that changing. He's growing into such a little boy. He's no a baby anymore. I can't wait to see what he teaches me next.

Every Other Weekend.

It's 9 PM. I've been listening to my baby holler and cry for a good twenty-five minutes. So, I go in his room. It's a sea of tears and snot and sweat from all his hard work at trying to get me to come and get him. He has succeeded. He reaches out to me with Pooh and puffy, sad, puppy dog eyes. How am I to say no? And what kind of person/mother would I be if I left him in there another second? So, I grab him up and he squeezes me so tight! Hugs! He's really charming now. It's over. So, I take him in my room. He giggles and pulls the covers up around him. We trade hugs and kisses and tickles and he gives me hug around the neck with both arms. I close my eyes and take in this hug. I know that tomorrow he has to go away for the weekend.

It's 9:45 am. He's dressed and ready. He has all of his overnight items. The time I'm dreading is drawing closer. We put on socks and shoes. And one last diaper check. He grabs Pooh and I put on his jacket. We get in the car and go the mile to the meeting place. We get down the street and turn in to the same ole spot and it's time.

I unbuckle his car seat fighting tears behind my sunglasses. I'm glad he won't see if one slips out. Even after all this time, it has not gotten any easier. It's been well over a year since this every other weekend business. I give a kiss and a hug to my favorite little boy and make small talk about him to his dad. He puts him in the car, buckles him in, and drives away. My heart swells with sadness before I eventually lose it and cry. Every single time. The sadness encompasses me like cancer invading a healthy immune system with plans to take over. A large piece of my heart always goes with him. I lose a piece every single time. Divorce happens. I know this because it happened to me. That part I have gotten over. I can't seem to get over sending my boy away. Even if it's only for forty-eight hours. I feel empty now. I sit in my car in the gas station parking lot and squall. It's no longer crying. I can no longer speak English. My tears multiply, and my nose is running. It's a complicated situation. And I can't keep him from his father. So, while my heart is away, I spend the weekend either trying to keep busy or I fail miserably and watch old episodes of Grey's Anatomy or How I Met Your Mother while I lay in the bed.

When I get home, there is evidence that a small person has been there. Toys everywhere. I leave them for awhile. But, then I inevitably pick them up and that's where his toys stay until he gets home. I know that's he's not gone forever. But, there's something about not being able to kiss your son goodnight. I don't know what he's doing and it's hard. We FaceTime later that night and I tell him night, night and exchange air kisses and he's in bed and so am I.

Before I know it, it's time to pick him up. I speed the whole way there. No judgement please. I'm excited. He's usually outside with his dad waiting on me. He always smiles so big when I pull up. And that empty feeling goes away and my heart is full again. My frown fades and the tears tuck themselves away and everything is right with the world. He runs and hugs me, telling me he's happy to see me with his eyes.

I don't know much. But, I do know that my love for Noah can fuel me to climb mountains. And I know he loves me too. Even though he can't say it, I know it's real. For a few minutes of sadness on those weekends he's gone, he gives me days and days of happiness and love when he's home. And I've always been told that you can't appreciate the good without some bad, too. So, as I sit here at the beginning of a weekend without Noah, I know that I'll appreciate Sunday just a little more this week. Sleep tight, my love, Mama will see you soon...