A Mother's Heart Beats Outside Her Chest.

I am no one special. There are no songs written about me. No billboards bear my picture and still no books have my autobiography in mind. I am just a mom from a small town in Tennessee. There is nothing grand about me. I have been in love a few times and fallen out of love twice. The world will still turn long after I'm gone, but there's one thing that's extraordinary that I've been apart of and that makes me whole. I am not empty and I am not missing parts. You know it's funny, I didn't know your heart could survive outside your chest. And no, I don't really think a heart can prosper outside a body. A proverbial heart if you will. That's the thing about being a mom. Mom's hearts are outside their body.

I was born on September 3rd, 1986, to two people who've taught me more about family than anyone could. It's pretty awesome when your parents can be in the same room. And they even have the same last name. Please, don't think I'm judgmental. I've been married and as it turns out it ended quite painfully in divorce but that's neither here, nor there. So, when I got divorced I felt like I had failed at a family. I thought it meant every other weekend and split up holidays. A little piece of my heart breaks and falls apart every time Noah has to leave. And that will never change.

Very young, I decided I wanted a career in health care. So, I applied to nursing school the second I graduated high school. I got in after three semesters of prerequisites. There were ups and downs during this period. In Nursing III, I got engaged to a man. We were in love and it was grand. Well, you all know the rest I'm sure. I didn't pass my Nursing IV exam by seven questions, causing me to fall behind 2% the required percentage to pass the class. I failed. I've never failed anything in my life. It was a turning point. I was depressed for months and months. I could no longer keep my job because it stipulated that I be a student in nursing school, and without a nursing licence, I couldn't have my new job as a night nurse on the orthopedic floor. I felt nothing. I felt defeated. It was the end of the world. All I wanted was to be a nurse. My dream was dead and I had no where to go.

I was unemployed for ten weeks. Ten grueling weeks. I put in application after application. Unemployment unfortunately pays nearly nothing. So, I couldn't afford much. And what I could afford didn't include birth control. I finally got a job at Williamson Medical Center. Ironically enough on the orthopedic floor. So, things were looking up. I was making money. It was an awesome job with awesome people and pretty good benefits. I was putting nursing school behind me and moving forward. I was planning a wedding and everything was going as planned.

It was mid-December. Six months had passed. I always thought about school. Why had I failed? Was I ever going to live my dream? I had started having strange headaches and was getting nauseous at the same times during the day. Hmm? Well, I'd had trouble with nausea with different birth control pills in the past so I didn't think much of it. One day I asked my fiance to bring home a pregnancy test because I was pretty late. I've never been on time so I wasn't worried. Well, lo and behold, I was pregnant. Pregnant and unmarried. HOLY CRAP. I was petrified. Ashamed. I was absolutely not ready to have a baby, be a mom, raise a decent human being. So, that family that I talked about earlier didn't include premarital pregnancy. I was terrified to tell my parents. But I did. And after the shock and the disappointment wore off, we moved up the wedding and I was happy. Married. Pregnant. An adult in what seemed like less than fifteen minutes.

Noah was born on August 19, 2010. He was beautiful. He was a c-section baby so his head was beautifully round and perfect. His eyes were ocean blue. Sparkly. His eyes sparkled more that any diamond I'd ever seen. It was magic. Then I knew. My dreams were paused because Noah was my dream. It was an unknown dream. My love for my son has far surpassed any job I could ever want. I always searched for the reason why. Nursing school was a fail for me because I know if I would have passed I would still be able to afford birth control and wouldn't have gotten pregnant when I did. Circumstances will come and go, but Noah is constant. And for that I am eternally grateful.

Now, Noah's three. THREE! What happened to my baby? That sparkly blue-eyed baby grew into a sweet little boy. He's turning on light switches, opening door knobs, feeding himself. He's learning! He also sings. No words just a melodic tone and smiles. I know in my heart he's singing. It's astonishing. How do you love a person so much. And it's instant. I didn't grow to love him. I loved him the SECOND I laid eyes on him. Don't get me wrong, I loved while I was pregnant with him but when I first saw him I knew. Wow, that's real, unfabricated love. Noah is mine and I am his. And that will forever be a truth.