Hello friends. Welcome back. For those of you that are new here, I'll recap. I am Nikki. Wife, Autism Mom, Neuro-typical Mom, Nurse, Braves Fanatic, Dawg4Life, and mostly I'm just doing the best I can. Lots have changed since we were last together. I FINALLY went back to school and got that RN that I've been dreaming of for almost 15 years. Got a new job which I love. The best coworkers anyone could ask for with similar backgrounds and I truly feel that I finally belong somewhere. Now to the good stuff....
If you are unaware, I am an Autism mom. My sweet, angel baby Noah is thirteen and is on the Autism Spectrum. Diagnosed just shy of his third birthday so we are over ten years in. People often say to me, "I don't know how you do it." It's simple really. What other choice do I have? He is a bright spot on a cloudy day. Full of love and giggles and cheese bread. My gentle giant. My big bear hug when I've had a long day. My lover of Taylor Swift. My purpose. He truly saved my life. And gave me something I could never repay. Parents are supposed to be teaching their kids all these life lessons. He's taught me more than I could ever teach him. He's taught me about true acceptance. He's taught me about unconditional love. He's taught me to revel in the victories, no matter how small.
In the last few months, I've come to get to know a precious adult with Autism. He's kind and gives great hugs and smiles so big when he sees me. I know people on the spectrum can come on strong. That's their way sometimes. But, I swear to you, it's kinda like looking into the future. A tiny glimpse as to what Noah's future holds. Their similarities are astounding. I look forward to the days I know I'll get to see him. I really think I was supposed to get to know this man and God really takes care of us in that way. In His timing.
For me, the hardest part of all this is the unknown. When you have children, your brain paints a picture. It's truly beautiful. They start school, play sports or act in plays or play in the band, learn to drive, go to the prom, go to college, get married, and have their own children. You're picturing it, aren't you? Is it beautiful? I know it is. I pictured it, too. And on August 5, 2013, my painting turned to gray. And that's ok! It's so hard, but it's ok. Noah is growing and thriving and I am truly grateful for everyone we've met on our journey that had a hand in his growth. But I mourned all those things. And that's the best advice I can give to newly diagnosed families. You have to mourn. If you don't, you cannot be the best for your children. I'm absolutely not saying that Noah will never go to the prom or move out but he'll never drive a car because he has no sense of danger. I'll drive him around happily until I am no longer able. But, the unknown is so anxiety inducing. No amount of preparation makes it better.
I worry everyday what will happen to Noah when I die. It's just something that comes along with this. And something I don't think is talked about enough. I'm basically raising his caregiver. And then I feel more guilt and anxiety because that's a lot to ask of someone. But Kate is resilient and I know in my heart she'd move mountains for her brother and to be honest that helps me sleep at night. Their relationship is beautiful to watch. It's so pure and precious.
I often pretend to be busy and just listen in on them. She's always quizzing him. "Noah, yes or no, do you want to watch a movie?" Even talking in a way to give him the words to say. She is truly wiser than seven years old. They sit at the kitchen table watching videos and she's asking him, "Noah, can you say monkey." And he says "monkey." We call her the "Speech Therapist." She taught him to talk. It wasn't me. It was Kate. She exceeds my expectations of what siblings can be for each other daily. And that's what I'm most thankful for.
My sweet Noah I hope you always shout out "HEY!" and wave to people. I hope you always walk into a room asking about a pizza tomorrow. I hope you always lay in the bed with me and Kate and watch Disney movies alternating who gets to choose. I hope you yell, "I love....." in reference to whoever we are talking about. I hope you keep getting more independent. I hope you always want to FaceTime. I hope you always shout what song you want to hear when we all get in the car. I hope you always sit your chair close to the entrance of the ball field so you can greet everyone. I hope you always greet me at the top of stairs when you hear the garage door open. I hope you always ask to go see the Braves and yell "I love baseball" every summer. I hope you always cuddle your puppies and give treats. I hope you always teach people to love. Because you do. Everyday. I am better because of you. If I am anything, it is because I am your Mama. You bring out the best version of me. Even though the hardest part is really hard, the best parts are even better because you shine so bright. I hope you always shine so bright my sweet Noah.
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