Hard Questions.

All my life, I've asked myself hard question after hard question. But, I never allowed myself to answer them. I was too afraid that in order to answer them I would have to be my true self. And to me, that was very, very frightening. There's always this box that society expects you to fit in. And of course the box is one size fits all, and my body was never in the one size fits all category. So one day I decided that I wanted to fix the outside of myself. I had a gastric bypass and I lost the weight. Great! Now I can fit in the box. But, as it turns out, the box sucks. I wanted out immediately. I don't need to fit in anyone's box but my own. 

So, now it's time for the inside. I went to therapy and got down to the real inner work. Let me tell you, it was exponentially harder to fix the inside than it was to fix the outside. Losing the physical weight was effortless. It just fell off. Like nothing. I learned to listen to my body. I learned what foods didn't agree with me. I learned how much was too much. More importantly, I learned what being full actually felt like and anything past that was physically painful. The inside was more complex. Bribing yourself into being "happy" with food is not true happiness, friends. Once the food was gone, I was so hopeless and lost and my mental health had deteriorated. I yelled at my kids. I fought with Kevin for no reason. Just a miserable woman masking as the happiest woman on planet earth. It was utterly exhausting. I did it for years. Until one day, I decided enough is enough. And slowly, I started answering hard questions. Starting with, "When is enough enough?" Right. Damn. Now.

Then I proceeded to think about what kind of wife I wanted to be. Making marriage a priority was not optional. It was boundary number one. Kevin showed me what it's supposed to be like. God knew what he was doing. Kevin came into my life at the start of it all. The unravelling. It took a lot of time but he fixed what he didn't break. And it was no longer "marriage IS hard." It became "marriage WAS hard."

Next, I've got to be a better mama. How can I best serve Noah and Kate? Both together and separately. That one was tough. 

Autism is a fickle thing. One minute you're cursing its name and the next you feel so guilty about it. Then, somebody asks you "if you could cure his autism would you?" Another hard question. Autism doesn't define Noah, but it is a huge part of who he is. Would I erase his struggles? In a heartbeat or a New York minute depending on which is faster. Would I erase his kindness, his smile's mood lifting ability, his hugs healing broken pieces inside of me, his love of making playlists? Hard pass.

That second one. The girl who's my carbon copy. How do you raise yourself? Literally, how? Only by learning who I was could I become the mother she deserved. She's a people pleaser to her core and she is an acts of service girlie. Just like her mama. I can show her that it's acceptable to ask for help. You do not have to carry all your bags alone. I want to be the embodiment of follow through. Letting Kevin care for me the way that he does took a really long to time to accept. However, when it clicked, it altered my brain chemistry. All I want in the world is for Kate to be as happy as I am despite any circumstances. We will always be loved and protected. And I'd love to note that Kate sings at the top of her lungs a large portion of her waking hours. Let me ask you a hard question...do you ever sing when you're unhappy?

All of this is about healing and just sitting with yourself and answering the hard questions. I've been afraid to be myself for the majority of my life because I've always felt I was too much or not enough. Turns out, I've always been enough. Every version of myself has been enough. Even the really hard to love version of myself was enough. It all led us here. Right where we're supposed to be. Every event in my life has led to right now. I am just right. Kevin lets me know every single day without complaint. He validates every single feeling I have. God knew I needed a man who was tolerant and accepting. And he carries my physical and metaphorical bags with a smile. His eyes never wander from mine and mine never wander from his. If I hadn't met myself at my worst, my best wouldn't have been brave enough to enter the chat. Becoming the best version of myself made me realize that I had to go through those really hard times to end up here. I felt guilty about it for a considerable amount of time. Time I can't get back.

Kevin and I rehashed it often. Ultimately, I realized that my guilt couldn't build a time machine to go back and change things. And, ironically, if it could rewind time, I wouldn't change a thing.