For Amanda, with Much Admiration...

I read a quote once saying that a mother is a person who does the work of twenty. For free. I find this statement to be insanely true. Somebody always has something for me to do, see, feel, etc., etc. I admit it! There are times when Noah just touches my arm and I full on break down. Thinking: if he brings me one more package of grits, I may lose my mind. So, I get up. I make the grits. He takes one look at them and runs away. Um, hello!? Seriously?

And if that wasn't the hundredth time he's done this I'd be fine with it.

As I sit here, Noah to my left playing games on his iPad, I can't help but laugh and forget about all that annoying stuff. I soak in this moment. His head on my knee occasionally looking up at me with these big blue sweet eyes and a big smile. That's it. That's why I'm here. This is my purpose. To raise this darling little boy. To guide his journey and teach him to function in society.

There is not a breakthrough everyday. But, somehow in the monotony the stars align and something happens. It's small enough that not a lot of people would notice or think much about but big enough to bring tears of joy to my eyes. A new sign. Out of the blue. "Eat." He smiles. We all clap hysterically. I run in the kitchen. "Noah! What would you like to eat?" He chooses a little container of microwaveable macaroni and cheese. I fix it and put it in the bowl that is specifically for microwaveable macaroni and cheese. And he eats it. Success!! That is a HUGE breakthrough. He communicated that he was hungry and he chose something to eat and ate it! That's what it's all about! In that tiny infinity I felt like a success. No one was crying. No one was beyond the point of frustration. All was right in our house that day!

As happy as Noah is and as big a success as that was, there will always be times when frustration will win and somebody's crying or locked behind a closed door trying to keep it together. Those days I admit are few and far between but absolutely happen. Crying and praying that God will tell me what my sweet little boy wants because I just can't figure it out. And then starts the chain...the chain of what-if. What-if I can't figure out what he wants and if I can't, who can? What-if he becomes angry? What-if anger turns into aggression? What-if aggression turns to violence? And so on and so forth. This is irrational, I know. But parenthood is irrational sometimes. These are fears I face often.

I read a post yesterday from a Facebook friend who is a sweet mama with two gorgeous girls, the oldest of which has a sensory processing disorder. "I spend a lot of time just crying on my bathroom floor and asking God "why" and not even really knowing what I'm asking God why about.." Exactly. It can never be explained why our children are the way they are other than a menagerie of cells smashed together and boom a person unique all in his/her own way.   "How come all these other moms could do it all and I couldn't? Then the thought occurred to me...here I was, in private, crying and feeling like I was failing my babies. Wondering why my mommy friends had found the secret to all of this and how to do it without ever falling apart while I was still floundering but I never posted about any of it. So this is me reaching out to you other mommies on the off chance you are like me. Posting all the good stuff and never the stressful moments for fear of being judged harshly on your capabilities as a mother." It's as if I had written it myself. These were the words from my own brain/heart. Lying awake at night wondering if "this" was all my fault. What could I have done differently. Was it something I did during pregnancy? But now I'm thinking clearly and I know this is not a punishment. It's definitely a sign from God that I'm strong enough and can handle raising a special needs child. I was chosen for this boy and he's saved me from the ordinary. We all have a destiny. And Noah was destined for greatness. I just know it!! 

To ALL the mamas reading this and daddies too. You are wonderful. We all sacrifice something for our children. Whether it's shoes, food, time alone with our spouses, or just being able to sit down and watch a television show. We need to give ourselves credit. It's okay to feel overwhelmed or less than perfect. No one is one hundred percent nailing this parent thing. Special needs child or neuro-typical, you owe it to yourself and your children to not be so hard on yourselves. You are not alone. And I hope you never feel that you are...