A Big Brother Is Born...

Picture a house. Your dream house. Hard wood floors, tiled shower, jetted bathtub, tall ceilings, gourmet kitchen. Everything you've ever wanted. Now one thing I should mention. No dishwasher. But you don't really mind the dish washing by hand. But there's a space where the dishwasher should be. You are perfectly happy washing the dishes, but all you can see is the place where a dishwasher goes. Your dream house is still your dream, just missing something.

On August 31 at 12:16 AM, I got my "dishwasher." All 5 lbs and 15 oz. With tears streaming and heart racing, I stared at this baby girl for about 30 seconds before they whisked her away to the nursery. She was my missing piece: the hole I didn't know I was missing and was completely aware of all at the same time.

The first time Noah saw her she was four days old. She was in the NICU and it was the first day I felt somewhat normal. Tired and sore, but with two babies to love. I held her close and Kevin put the NICU gown on Noah and washed his hands and led him to us. As soon as he was close enough to touch her, she started crying. And that was that. Noah wouldn't come near her. I could see it in his eyes, "that thing is crying."

We brought her home two days later, and he was not having it. Many tears were shed. By Noah and by me. He was unsure about this little girl that he thought was his replacement. I was unsure that my first sweet baby would ever accept my second sweet baby as his own. Lots of sad eyes and sleepless nights. Two children needed me. Noah refused to let anyone do anything for him but me. Constantly begging me to put down this intruder and be HIS mama.

Now, let me explain some things. Noah is the kindest soul I've ever met. So, his non-acceptance of his sister was not out of malice or hate, but out of dismay and uncertainty. His life thrives on routine and order. Kate brought a certain level of chaos and disarray. His heart must be earned with consistency. Every day after school, he'd come home and peek around the corner toward the swing and look for her. I made it a point to have her in the swing when he got home so he wouldn't be threatened by me holding her every single day. Breaking in a new sibling is difficult. Most children experience jealousy. Of course. People coming in and out exclaiming how sweet and precious the new addition is has got to be disheartening. Something with which adults are equipped to cope. Small children. Not so much.

Three weeks is Noah's general adjustment period. We can do anything for three weeks. But one day out of the blue he was handing me diapers. And the next helping me button up her pajamas. Soon, he's touching her feet, then her hands. Finally wanting her to lay on his tummy. And shortly after that I caught him kissing her head. In my thirty years of life, nothing prepared me for seeing my first true love kiss his baby sister. Talk about ugly crying. My heart and soul right there loving each other. As time has gone on he's become this protector big brother. She cries. He rushes to her aid. Kissing her nearly every hour. His jealousy quickly morphing to extreme love and adoration. She looks at him the same way. She seems at ease when he's around. Looking at him like she knew him in another life. Like he'll always be there to save her from trouble.

Before Kate, I didn't know what I was missing. Just that I was missing something. She completes this crazy family. And I've never been happier washing dishes...

Failure vs. Success

Today, while gathered with the family watching football I was surfing Facebook. I came across a story of a young mother who was asked to leave a restaurant she was eating in with her family. Why you ask? Her autistic son was "disturbing the other guests." She replied to the manager that her son was special needs to which he replied that he understood but those people didn't care. Is it just me or is that unacceptable? And sadly, that news story is one among many. When did this world become a place where people with special needs are treated as though they are less? Why are their  needs any less important than neuro-typical people? Why are they treated like less?

These questions flooded my mind. And there I was. Sobbing during a football game surrounded by everyone. I've been where she's been. I've felt the hurt and panic and rage all at the same time. There's just something sometimes that rattles our sweet baby's minds and there's no way to know what it is and no way to fix it. I've felt helpless and as a mom, helpless is the absolute worst feeling in the world. When the little life you created and soothed when he had a toothache and praised when he follows directions looks up at you with "please help me eyes" and silent lips, a mother's fix-it sense kicks in. Except what do you do when everything you try fails...?

But even with all those failures, he still looks at his mama for her fix-it sense. It absolutely doesn't matter to him how much I view myself as a failure. He still hugs and kisses and LOVES. His ability to LOVE is never lost. As time goes on and we learn more and more about Autism, about Noah's Autism, the gap of failure slowly starts to close. Less failure. More success.

On the morning of August 3rd, I woke you up the same way I have for the past three years. 

I packed the same lunch I've packed for three years. I hugged and kissed the same sweet face I've hugged and kissed for almost six years. 

Same routine. Same quirkiness. Same smile. 

But today was different. We embarked on our kindergarten journey. You held my hand so tight and didn't want to let go. You hugged my neck with nervous insecurity at the changing atmosphere. Don't fret sweet face. The best is yet to come. They will love you. 

They will love you as close to a mama as humanly possible. They will cry for you when you're not looking...just like I do. They will celebrate your accomplishments...just like I do. They will worry about your well-being...just like I do. They will be there for you when I cannot. And that is why I can hand your sweet hand to theirs. 

My eyes fill with tears wondering where this big boy came from. You were a baby such a short time ago. Such a short time ago, I felt helpless and unworthy. But not today. Today, you were placed in a new environment. But because you feel loved and safe, you succeeded with flying colors. 

That day I felt like a success. Many Mamas cry on the first day of Kindergarten and while the journey to Kindergarten was not tear-less, I did not cry that day. That day was celebrated. 

Two months have passed and not one of those days have I felt that Noah's needs were not as important as anyone else's. I willingly admit that a special needs child in a small town more than made me nervous. But this town rallies around children like my Noah and I know he is in the best environment possible. Learning new signs and making great strides in the world of communication. 

Yesterday, Noah was asked if he wanted French fries. He signed yes...

The greatest success is being able to communicate with your children. Yesterday was the first time, I've felt like maybe one day, I'll be able to have a conversation with Noah. And that's all the success I need...