Failure vs. Success

Today, while gathered with the family watching football I was surfing Facebook. I came across a story of a young mother who was asked to leave a restaurant she was eating in with her family. Why you ask? Her autistic son was "disturbing the other guests." She replied to the manager that her son was special needs to which he replied that he understood but those people didn't care. Is it just me or is that unacceptable? And sadly, that news story is one among many. When did this world become a place where people with special needs are treated as though they are less? Why are their  needs any less important than neuro-typical people? Why are they treated like less?

These questions flooded my mind. And there I was. Sobbing during a football game surrounded by everyone. I've been where she's been. I've felt the hurt and panic and rage all at the same time. There's just something sometimes that rattles our sweet baby's minds and there's no way to know what it is and no way to fix it. I've felt helpless and as a mom, helpless is the absolute worst feeling in the world. When the little life you created and soothed when he had a toothache and praised when he follows directions looks up at you with "please help me eyes" and silent lips, a mother's fix-it sense kicks in. Except what do you do when everything you try fails...?

But even with all those failures, he still looks at his mama for her fix-it sense. It absolutely doesn't matter to him how much I view myself as a failure. He still hugs and kisses and LOVES. His ability to LOVE is never lost. As time goes on and we learn more and more about Autism, about Noah's Autism, the gap of failure slowly starts to close. Less failure. More success.

On the morning of August 3rd, I woke you up the same way I have for the past three years. 

I packed the same lunch I've packed for three years. I hugged and kissed the same sweet face I've hugged and kissed for almost six years. 

Same routine. Same quirkiness. Same smile. 

But today was different. We embarked on our kindergarten journey. You held my hand so tight and didn't want to let go. You hugged my neck with nervous insecurity at the changing atmosphere. Don't fret sweet face. The best is yet to come. They will love you. 

They will love you as close to a mama as humanly possible. They will cry for you when you're not looking...just like I do. They will celebrate your accomplishments...just like I do. They will worry about your well-being...just like I do. They will be there for you when I cannot. And that is why I can hand your sweet hand to theirs. 

My eyes fill with tears wondering where this big boy came from. You were a baby such a short time ago. Such a short time ago, I felt helpless and unworthy. But not today. Today, you were placed in a new environment. But because you feel loved and safe, you succeeded with flying colors. 

That day I felt like a success. Many Mamas cry on the first day of Kindergarten and while the journey to Kindergarten was not tear-less, I did not cry that day. That day was celebrated. 

Two months have passed and not one of those days have I felt that Noah's needs were not as important as anyone else's. I willingly admit that a special needs child in a small town more than made me nervous. But this town rallies around children like my Noah and I know he is in the best environment possible. Learning new signs and making great strides in the world of communication. 

Yesterday, Noah was asked if he wanted French fries. He signed yes...

The greatest success is being able to communicate with your children. Yesterday was the first time, I've felt like maybe one day, I'll be able to have a conversation with Noah. And that's all the success I need...