Autistic Inspiration

You just have to relax. If you'd stop putting so much pressure on yourself, you'd be so much more successful. It doesn't matter if they don't like you. Most marriages don't make it through nursing school or a remodel of their house. Really, Nikki? I didn't listen to any of that. It has to be my idea.  I got a 23 on my ACT because I couldn't control my heart rate enough to comprehend the questions. I was in fight or flight. And continued to be throughout most of my adulthood. That's also how I failed out of nursing school in 2009, at a ripe age of 22. If Apple Watches had been a thing back then, mine would have alarmed throughout the entire exam. And fight or flight only got worse from there. Well long story short, in 2021, I figured out how to relax. All because a nice guy stayed helped me learn to regulate my emotions. Spoiler alert. We didn't get a divorce. Because I don't listen. I married a man that hated me. Because we oopsed and I got pregn...

I messed up. I knew it would upset me. And I big, fat did it anyway. I listened to Heartland’s “I Loved Her First.” And not just a tear either. I was fighting for my life. Red faced. I just ugly cried right there in Nashville traffic at 6:30 am. I never cared about that song. But, when it’s your daughter you picture as soon as the chorus hits, it all of sudden reminds me that life is so unfair. You’re handed this gorgeous, pissed off, little wrinkly thing. An intensely red, screaming baby girl.  Before Kate, I was mean. And after Kate, I grew kinder. More aware of myself and my actions. She gave me a different purpose. From the moment we met, I knew she was special. I never had a reason to heal before her. And after her, I had all the reasons to heal. I know how that sounds. Shitty. Think of it more like she was the final piece that showed me I COULD heal. She is so much like me it’s comical. She’s taught me it was ok to love myself. She acts just like me. She has my comedic timing...

Kevin used to hate Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” He managed in retail for 4 years. So, every Christmas, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” blared over every TV in the store on a loop. Multiple times a day for months will really make you hate a song.   I have a confession. I LOVE Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” I’ve suppressed it for years. I knew he hated it and I didn’t want him to endure that kind of torment. I don’t know about you but a song I hate on a loop is my own personal hell. But today, he told me “oh, it’s not so bad…seeing you light up and singing and dancing to it down the aisles at Target makes me happy; so, I enjoy it.”   I used to hate December 15th. It crept up on me one year and my mental health took a nose dive. To me, it meant I was a failure. Not enough while simultaneously too much. It was a prison. But, I’d serve a million life sentences if Kevin was waiting on me when I got out. Kevin taught me how to ...