Not Forever.

I messed up. I knew it would upset me. And I big, fat did it anyway. I listened to Heartland’s “I Loved Her First.” And not just a tear either. I was fighting for my life. Red faced. I just ugly cried right there in Nashville traffic at 6:30 am.

I never cared about that song. But, when it’s your daughter you picture as soon as the chorus hits, it all of sudden reminds me that life is so unfair. You’re handed this gorgeous, pissed off, little wrinkly thing. An intensely red, screaming baby girl. 

Before Kate, I was mean. And after Kate, I grew kinder. More aware of myself and my actions. She gave me a different purpose. From the moment we met, I knew she was special. I never had a reason to heal before her. And after her, I had all the reasons to heal. I know how that sounds. Shitty. Think of it more like she was the final piece that showed me I COULD heal.

She is so much like me it’s comical. She’s taught me it was ok to love myself. She acts just like me. She has my comedic timing. She gets hangry. (I’m low key scared of her.) She twirls her hair when she’s anxious. She’s so easy to love. She’s my favorite girl in the world. And when she’s grown, she’ll be my favorite woman in the world. I hope we are besties forever. 

But here’s when life starts getting unfair. This yelling, red faced, baby girl grows up to be this precocious nine year old whose heart is boundless. And soon we’ll be giving her away to her person. But, I sure hope we have a while before she finds her forever. 

The greatest time of my life is right now. And when I’m near the end, this is what I’ll dream of: swimming in the summer time, Mario Party & takeout, and dancing in the kitchen at Christmas time to “All I Want for Christmas Is You.”

Noah saved me. But Kate. Kate HEALED me.