Before my husband was my husband, my son was diagnosed with Autism. I'm sure all of you reading this already know that. I do not hide it and I do not mask it. We'd only been dating for about seven months. Well "Diagnosis Day" as it's now known (8/5/13), I gave him an out. I said that I couldn't promise him everything would be okay. I couldn't promise that Noah would grow up and function on his own and move out and get a job. But I definitely couldn't promise that he wouldn't. Not my finest moment, I admit. He said and I quote, "I'm not going anywhere." What a testament to how a real man should act.
What did I do to deserve this man? This man that has promised to stand beside me and help mold this tiny little guy into the best big guy he can be. No motives. No hidden agendas. Just love. You should see the way that little guy looks at him. Joy. The word pure comes to mind. Noah's feelings are pure. No drama. No manipulation. Just pure LOVE.
It seems to me with Autism it's not about the promises you CAN make but about the promises you CAN'T make. I can't promise that Noah will ever talk. But, I dang sure can't promise that he'll be mute forever, either. I also can't promise that he'll ever use the potty. But, I dang sure can't promise he'll wear a diaper forever, either. Those dang "can't" promises give me hope. A hope that envelopes me and one that I can cling onto and hold forever.
I was driving home from work a few weeks ago and drove past King's Daughters' School for Autism and all these thoughts spiraled from rational to irrational so quickly. Will Noah eventually need to be institutionalized? Then, all those thoughts led me to a dark place in my subconscious. And before I knew it, I was a blubbering mess traveling down Trotwood. Lord have mercy, where did this come from?! How did I get here? Why on Earth did I let this little thing upset me so much? I am human. I am a worrier. It's what I do. I'm also a mama. And from my experience as a mama, the worrying and spiraling out of control comes from a place of love.
Here's why I'm insane. Noah lives in a world of awe and tranquility. A place where the only injustice is running out of fruit snacks and macaroni and cheese. A place with no traffic and no screaming lunatics in a rush to get to their next destination to meet their next deadline. He is oblivious to ugly looks and judgmental staring. Which by the way, drives me to a new place of rage and insanity. I'm thrilled your prodigy of a child is far exceeding your expectations as a parent. Really I am. I'm in awe of your abilities. But, that in no way gives anyone the right to look at my almost five year old that's still in diapers like I'm the scum of the Earth. Oh hey look at her! She's too lazy to potty train her kid. Most days I can shake it off with no problem and move on knowing there is more to the story. But, alas, there are days I feel I'm going to explode. Like maybe if the Earth swallowed me that no one would notice I was gone. I know that is completely untrue. There's a little boy that would miss me. And for that I am thankful.
I'm so worried about Noah fitting in and being liked that I forget that he honestly is unaware of all of it. He has his circle of safety and as long as he has the people in that circle than he's content. A social worker I used to work with caught me crying shortly after he was diagnosed and she read me a list of things that pertained to people with Autism.
1. Rarely lie
2. Live in the moment
3. Rarely judge
4. Passionate
5. Not tied to social expectations
6. Terrific memories
7. Less materialistic
8. Play fewer head games
9. Fewer hidden agendas
10. People with Autism open new doors for neuro-typical people
http://autism.about.com/od/inspirationideas/tp/besttraits.htm
Noah has no idea he's considered "different." The ones that love Noah most know he's just Noah. He's taught me more in his almost five years than I think anyone will ever teach me. I wish we could all live like Noah. It's the best kind of don't care attitude. Oblivious to the bad, in tune with the good. All with his own set of challenges and victories. I read a quote once that said, "Autism isn't a journey I planned, but I sure do love my tour guide." I never thought I'd love another human being as effortlessly as I do Noah. And I promise everyone reading this, and everyone not reading this that until I take my last breath, I'll be his soldier. Tirelessly fighting for him until I can no longer breathe.
What did I do to deserve this man? This man that has promised to stand beside me and help mold this tiny little guy into the best big guy he can be. No motives. No hidden agendas. Just love. You should see the way that little guy looks at him. Joy. The word pure comes to mind. Noah's feelings are pure. No drama. No manipulation. Just pure LOVE.
It seems to me with Autism it's not about the promises you CAN make but about the promises you CAN'T make. I can't promise that Noah will ever talk. But, I dang sure can't promise that he'll be mute forever, either. I also can't promise that he'll ever use the potty. But, I dang sure can't promise he'll wear a diaper forever, either. Those dang "can't" promises give me hope. A hope that envelopes me and one that I can cling onto and hold forever.
I was driving home from work a few weeks ago and drove past King's Daughters' School for Autism and all these thoughts spiraled from rational to irrational so quickly. Will Noah eventually need to be institutionalized? Then, all those thoughts led me to a dark place in my subconscious. And before I knew it, I was a blubbering mess traveling down Trotwood. Lord have mercy, where did this come from?! How did I get here? Why on Earth did I let this little thing upset me so much? I am human. I am a worrier. It's what I do. I'm also a mama. And from my experience as a mama, the worrying and spiraling out of control comes from a place of love.
Here's why I'm insane. Noah lives in a world of awe and tranquility. A place where the only injustice is running out of fruit snacks and macaroni and cheese. A place with no traffic and no screaming lunatics in a rush to get to their next destination to meet their next deadline. He is oblivious to ugly looks and judgmental staring. Which by the way, drives me to a new place of rage and insanity. I'm thrilled your prodigy of a child is far exceeding your expectations as a parent. Really I am. I'm in awe of your abilities. But, that in no way gives anyone the right to look at my almost five year old that's still in diapers like I'm the scum of the Earth. Oh hey look at her! She's too lazy to potty train her kid. Most days I can shake it off with no problem and move on knowing there is more to the story. But, alas, there are days I feel I'm going to explode. Like maybe if the Earth swallowed me that no one would notice I was gone. I know that is completely untrue. There's a little boy that would miss me. And for that I am thankful.
I'm so worried about Noah fitting in and being liked that I forget that he honestly is unaware of all of it. He has his circle of safety and as long as he has the people in that circle than he's content. A social worker I used to work with caught me crying shortly after he was diagnosed and she read me a list of things that pertained to people with Autism.
1. Rarely lie
2. Live in the moment
3. Rarely judge
4. Passionate
5. Not tied to social expectations
6. Terrific memories
7. Less materialistic
8. Play fewer head games
9. Fewer hidden agendas
10. People with Autism open new doors for neuro-typical people
http://autism.about.com/od/inspirationideas/tp/besttraits.htm
Noah has no idea he's considered "different." The ones that love Noah most know he's just Noah. He's taught me more in his almost five years than I think anyone will ever teach me. I wish we could all live like Noah. It's the best kind of don't care attitude. Oblivious to the bad, in tune with the good. All with his own set of challenges and victories. I read a quote once that said, "Autism isn't a journey I planned, but I sure do love my tour guide." I never thought I'd love another human being as effortlessly as I do Noah. And I promise everyone reading this, and everyone not reading this that until I take my last breath, I'll be his soldier. Tirelessly fighting for him until I can no longer breathe.
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