Autistic Inspiration

There's a quote in one of my clinic manager's offices that reads, “Sometimes your life is defined by a single moment. Let it be today .”  I know many people will choose the day they were married or the day a child was born and while those days hold a place in my heart so special that anything else just seems insignificant. But a DEFINING moment. A moment that decides your fate as a human being. Well, that moment I remember perfectly... I was more nervous than the day I got married (either time) or when I actually gave birth to Noah. More anxious. More anything really. Emotions were high and it was almost like a dream. An alternate reality really. But anyway, on with the moment. August 5, 2012. It was hot. And I don't mean "wow, I'm sweating." I mean wet shirt, hair up, LORD HAVE MERCY hot. August in Tennessee, there's really nothing but hot. Noah was less than three weeks shy of three years old. He had a way of making all the sadness go away, like air dr...

I read a quote once saying that a mother is a person who does the work of twenty. For free. I find this statement to be insanely true. Somebody always has something for me to do, see, feel, etc., etc. I admit it! There are times when Noah just touches my arm and I full on break down. Thinking: if he brings me one more package of grits, I may lose my mind. So, I get up. I make the grits. He takes one look at them and runs away. Um, hello!? Seriously? And if that wasn't the hundredth time he's done this I'd be fine with it. As I sit here, Noah to my left playing games on his iPad, I can't help but laugh and forget about all that annoying stuff. I soak in this moment. His head on my knee occasionally looking up at me with these big blue sweet eyes and a big smile. That's it. That's why I'm here. This is my purpose. To raise this darling little boy. To guide his journey and teach him to function in society. There is not a breakthrough everyday. But, someho...

When Noah was diagnosed on August 5, 2013, we were told to only focus on the short term. Imagine someone in child development telling you that you cannot worry about your child graduating high school or getting married or moving out of your house and getting a job and starting his own family. What am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to take that? Who are you to tell me something like that? Then I think, hmm, maybe that's absolutely wonderful advice. She absolutely never said it wouldn't happen. She just said don't worry about it NOW. It's the same as 13, 14, and 15 year old kids worrying and wondering what kind of car they'll drive and freshman and sophomores worrying and wondering about what college they'll attend. But in the same breath, how can anyone say, "don't worry" when it comes to your child. Special needs or not. It's in the blueprint of being a mom. It's embedded in our brains. Lord have mercy, I've gone insan...

I am no one special. There are no songs written about me. No billboards bear my picture and still no books have my autobiography in mind. I am just a mom from a small town in Tennessee. There is nothing grand about me. I have been in love a few times and fallen out of love twice. The world will still turn long after I'm gone, but there's one thing that's extraordinary that I've been apart of and that makes me whole. I am not empty and I am not missing parts. You know it's funny, I didn't know your heart could survive outside your chest. And no, I don't really think a heart can prosper outside a body. A proverbial heart if you will. That's the thing about being a mom. Mom's hearts are outside their body. I was born on September 3rd, 1986, to two people who've taught me more about family than anyone could. It's pretty awesome when your parents can be in the same room. And they even have the same last name. Please, don't think I'm judg...

First, I would like to apologize for the length of time between posts. Combination of writer's block and hideous sickness. I'm on the mend and will hopefully have answers to these headaches soon. Now, onto the good stuff. I read an amazing and inspiring post on Facebook today and it gave me a fantastic idea on what to write about. I want to share with all of you why I'm so blessed. Amazed really. I hope you find a smile on your face when you read this. I am amazed that on August 19, 2010, I gave birth to a one of a kind, smart, happy, wonderful, soul enriching son. I am amazed at the overwhelming amount of support that I receive on a daily basis from everyone about Noah's progress and well-being. I am amazed that such a tiny soul could fill my heart with such joy and love. I am amazed that there's absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for this boy. I am amazed that I've met and fallen in love with such a wonderful man who accepts me for who I am and doe...

It's 9 PM. I've been listening to my baby holler and cry for a good twenty-five minutes. So, I go in his room. It's a sea of tears and snot and sweat from all his hard work at trying to get me to come and get him. He has succeeded. He reaches out to me with Pooh and puffy, sad, puppy dog eyes. How am I to say no? And what kind of person/mother would I be if I left him in there another second? So, I grab him up and he squeezes me so tight! Hugs! He's really charming now. It's over. So, I take him in my room. He giggles and pulls the covers up around him. We trade hugs and kisses and tickles and he gives me hug around the neck with both arms. I close my eyes and take in this hug. I know that tomorrow he has to go away for the weekend. It's 9:45 am. He's dressed and ready. He has all of his overnight items. The time I'm dreading is drawing closer. We put on socks and shoes. And one last diaper check. He grabs Pooh and I put on his jacket. We get in the ca...

Several weeks ago, I had a dream one night. I woke up gasping and crying. I was relieved that it was only a dream. It was the middle of the night between 11:00 PM and 2:00 AM. Noah's cry was intensifying over the baby monitor. I wiped my face and staggered into his room. He saw me, grabbed his Pooh and reached for me. Noah has bad dreams, too. People ask me all the time, "How do you know he's having bad dreams if he doesn't talk?" Mother's intuition is my only answer. It's an anxious, scared cry. Like he's begging for the scary things to go away. So, I scoop him up and carry him to my room. At this point, I'm hugging him so tight. He falls asleep before I even walk the ten steps to my bed. So sweet and serene. I lay there. Awake. Anxious. Scared. Panicked. In my dream, my baby was dead. Wonderful, smiling, life saving Noah was dead. He lay there in his tiny white, shiny coffin. I will never get that image out of my head. There is no greater fear ...