Autistic Inspiration

 I wanna tell y'all a secret. It's not really a secret but it is very important. LOVE. YOUR. SPOUSE. Easy right? Seems like it should be. But do you? I firmly believe that Kevin Dreaden is who I was put on this earth to find. My invisible string. My one true love. My only exception. My guy. And I also firmly believe he's crazy to have stayed. Let me explain.  We've been together for 12 years. Married for 10. I have been so miserable with myself for these last 10 years that I never let him in. I pushed him away for so, so long. And he stayed. I've always had anxiety. My anxiety isn't a nervous, picky anxiety. It's mean and angry. It lashes out and hurts people I love the most. Hurt people hurt people. Misery loves company is a true statement. That's a hard realization to come to-realizing you're kind of an asshole. It was shocking and made perfect sense all at the same time. I've done the "outside" work. Now, I'm working tirelessly o...

It's fall break. The weather is getting cooler. Post season baseball. The wildest college football season I've ever seen. The best time of year. Halloween is around the corner which means Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year are a blink in time away.  We've had a great fall break. Time with Grammy and Nik Nik and several days at the beach! We were riding down the road last night after dinner and this conversation ensued.  Noah: "MAMA! Need *what sounded like "turtles"* Me: "You need turtles?" Noah: *what sounded like something about a tree* Me: "Buddy, I have no idea what you're saying..." Kate: very matter of fact, "Mama, he said he needs his toiletries..." Noah: very excited, "yes...toiletries!" Me: to Kate, "you're the real MVP!"  What would I do without this girl? I know alot of my updates are about how Noah is doing and what is happening with him. But, this girl deserves her own update. She...

Today was the best day. Noah has been talking about playing baseball for YEARS. At least once a day asking for his own bat and his own helmet. Well, today his dream came true. There's a butcher in Spring Hill called Light Hill Meats. And my dad frequents there. They had some hats on display. Of course my dad inquired about them and they told him it was to support a special needs baseball league for special needs people of all ages called Home Run Heroes. It was like fate. He got me some contact information and I emailed the owner and commissioner of the league and within two days, Noah was on a team.  We arrived in Thompsons Station. I was a little anxious about it. I never know how a new situation will play out. Will Noah's squeals and wandering be disruptive? Will his garbled speech make people uncomfortable? Will he laugh inappropriately? None of it mattered. Just a bunch of special needs families cheering on each other. We met Mr. Ben who’s the coach of the team Noah is on-...

Hello friends. Welcome back. For those of you that are new here, I'll recap. I am Nikki. Wife, Autism Mom, Neuro-typical Mom, Nurse, Braves Fanatic, Dawg4Life, and mostly I'm just doing the best I can. Lots have changed since we were last together. I FINALLY went back to school and got that RN that I've been dreaming of for almost 15 years. Got a new job which I love. The best coworkers anyone could ask for with similar backgrounds and I truly feel that I finally belong somewhere. Now to the good stuff.... If you are unaware, I am an Autism mom. My sweet, angel baby Noah is thirteen and is on the Autism Spectrum. Diagnosed just shy of his third birthday so we are over ten years in. People often say to me, "I don't know how you do it." It's simple really. What other choice do I have? He is a bright spot on a cloudy day. Full of love and giggles and cheese bread. My gentle giant. My big bear hug when I've had a long day. My lover of Taylor Swift. My purp...

Well friends, 2019 is almost done. What a year! This year was about self reflection and bettering myself. I definitely want to be a better wife, sister, daughter, friend, etc, etc, etc...but most of all I want to be a better MOM! I have always been the type of human to over process and over analyze everything. You name it. I overthink it. All of it. So naturally when I found out I was pregnant with Noah, I went right to wondering if I’d be a good mama, but all women do that. Then when we got our Autism diagnosis, it was a spiral! Will he talk? Will he... won’t he... so many thoughts. It’s amazing to me that I’m not as worried about him talking as he gets older. I'm more worried about if he's kind, if he's smiling, and if he's happy. It's so taboo, a person's ability to talk says nothing about his or her level of happiness, yet that is the question I'm asked most. "Do you think he'll ever talk?" It's never, "is he happy?' I know e...

I know what you're thinking. Does she even remember how to type? How long has it even been since she's published a blog? If you answered seventeen months, you're right! Insert excuses like kids, life, work, etc., etc., etc. I apologize. I haven't written in so long not because I have nothing to write about or no advances to report to you. I haven't written in so long because I haven't been INSPIRED to write. Well with the events in the last couple months, I've been INSPIRED to write. Let's see if I remember how to do this... Friends, I want to talk to you about something not so happy. Sad. Difficult. Heartbreaking. None of these words describe the severity of the hurt and pain in my heart. NONE. But life has a funny way of waking us up from a peaceful sleep and reminding us that it's not always happy. It's real and so damn hard. Wednesday, February 21 was fine. I got up and got ready for work like any other morning. Nothing significant. I hoo...

Picture a house. Your dream house. Hard wood floors, tiled shower, jetted bathtub, tall ceilings, gourmet kitchen. Everything you've ever wanted. Now one thing I should mention. No dishwasher. But you don't really mind the dish washing by hand. But there's a space where the dishwasher should be. You are perfectly happy washing the dishes, but all you can see is the place where a dishwasher goes. Your dream house is still your dream, just missing something. On August 31 at 12:16 AM, I got my "dishwasher." All 5 lbs and 15 oz. With tears streaming and heart racing, I stared at this baby girl for about 30 seconds before they whisked her away to the nursery. She was my missing piece: the hole I didn't know I was missing and was completely aware of all at the same time. The first time Noah saw her she was four days old. She was in the NICU and it was the first day I felt somewhat normal. Tired and sore, but with two babies to love. I held her close and Kevin pu...