Autistic Inspiration

You just have to relax. If you'd stop putting so much pressure on yourself, you'd be so much more successful. It doesn't matter if they don't like you. Most marriages don't make it through nursing school or a remodel of their house. Really, Nikki? I didn't listen to any of that. It has to be my idea.  I got a 23 on my ACT because I couldn't control my heart rate enough to comprehend the questions. I was in fight or flight. And continued to be throughout most of my adulthood. That's also how I failed out of nursing school in 2009, at a ripe age of 22. If Apple Watches had been a thing back then, mine would have alarmed throughout the entire exam. And fight or flight only got worse from there. Well long story short, in 2021, I figured out how to relax. All because a nice guy stayed helped me learn to regulate my emotions. Spoiler alert. We didn't get a divorce. Because I don't listen. I married a man that hated me. Because we oopsed and I got pregn...

I messed up. I knew it would upset me. And I big, fat did it anyway. I listened to Heartland’s “I Loved Her First.” And not just a tear either. I was fighting for my life. Red faced. I just ugly cried right there in Nashville traffic at 6:30 am. I never cared about that song. But, when it’s your daughter you picture as soon as the chorus hits, it all of sudden reminds me that life is so unfair. You’re handed this gorgeous, pissed off, little wrinkly thing. An intensely red, screaming baby girl.  Before Kate, I was mean. And after Kate, I grew kinder. More aware of myself and my actions. She gave me a different purpose. From the moment we met, I knew she was special. I never had a reason to heal before her. And after her, I had all the reasons to heal. I know how that sounds. Shitty. Think of it more like she was the final piece that showed me I COULD heal. She is so much like me it’s comical. She’s taught me it was ok to love myself. She acts just like me. She has my comedic timing...

Kevin used to hate Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” He managed in retail for 4 years. So, every Christmas, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” blared over every TV in the store on a loop. Multiple times a day for months will really make you hate a song.   I have a confession. I LOVE Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” I’ve suppressed it for years. I knew he hated it and I didn’t want him to endure that kind of torment. I don’t know about you but a song I hate on a loop is my own personal hell. But today, he told me “oh, it’s not so bad…seeing you light up and singing and dancing to it down the aisles at Target makes me happy; so, I enjoy it.”   I used to hate December 15th. It crept up on me one year and my mental health took a nose dive. To me, it meant I was a failure. Not enough while simultaneously too much. It was a prison. But, I’d serve a million life sentences if Kevin was waiting on me when I got out. Kevin taught me how to ...

All my life, I've asked myself hard question after hard question. But, I never allowed myself to answer them. I was too afraid that in order to answer them I would have to be my true self. And to me, that was very, very frightening. There's always this box that society expects you to fit in. And of course the box is one size fits all, and my body was never in the one size fits all category. So one day I decided that I wanted to fix the outside of myself. I had a gastric bypass and I lost the weight. Great! Now I can fit in the box. But, as it turns out, the box sucks. I wanted out immediately. I don't need to fit in anyone's box but my own.  So, now it's time for the inside. I went to therapy and got down to the real inner work. Let me tell you, it was exponentially harder to fix the inside than it was to fix the outside. Losing the physical weight was effortless. It just fell off. Like nothing. I learned to listen to my body. I learned what foods didn't agree w...

 I wanna tell y'all a secret. It's not really a secret but it is very important. LOVE. YOUR. SPOUSE. Easy right? Seems like it should be. But do you? I firmly believe that Kevin Dreaden is who I was put on this earth to find. My invisible string. My one true love. My only exception. My guy. And I also firmly believe he's crazy to have stayed. Let me explain.  We've been together for 12 years. Married for 10. I have been so miserable with myself for these last 10 years that I never let him in. I pushed him away for so, so long. And he stayed. I've always had anxiety. My anxiety isn't a nervous, picky anxiety. It's mean and angry. It lashes out and hurts people I love the most. Hurt people hurt people. Misery loves company is a true statement. That's a hard realization to come to-realizing you're kind of an asshole. It was shocking and made perfect sense all at the same time. I've done the "outside" work. Now, I'm working tirelessly o...

It's fall break. The weather is getting cooler. Post season baseball. The wildest college football season I've ever seen. The best time of year. Halloween is around the corner which means Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year are a blink in time away.  We've had a great fall break. Time with Grammy and Nik Nik and several days at the beach! We were riding down the road last night after dinner and this conversation ensued.  Noah: "MAMA! Need *what sounded like "turtles"* Me: "You need turtles?" Noah: *what sounded like something about a tree* Me: "Buddy, I have no idea what you're saying..." Kate: very matter of fact, "Mama, he said he needs his toiletries..." Noah: very excited, "yes...toiletries!" Me: to Kate, "you're the real MVP!"  What would I do without this girl? I know alot of my updates are about how Noah is doing and what is happening with him. But, this girl deserves her own update. She...

Today was the best day. Noah has been talking about playing baseball for YEARS. At least once a day asking for his own bat and his own helmet. Well, today his dream came true. There's a butcher in Spring Hill called Light Hill Meats. And my dad frequents there. They had some hats on display. Of course my dad inquired about them and they told him it was to support a special needs baseball league for special needs people of all ages called Home Run Heroes. It was like fate. He got me some contact information and I emailed the owner and commissioner of the league and within two days, Noah was on a team.  We arrived in Thompsons Station. I was a little anxious about it. I never know how a new situation will play out. Will Noah's squeals and wandering be disruptive? Will his garbled speech make people uncomfortable? Will he laugh inappropriately? None of it mattered. Just a bunch of special needs families cheering on each other. We met Mr. Ben who’s the coach of the team Noah is on-...

Hello friends. Welcome back. For those of you that are new here, I'll recap. I am Nikki. Wife, Autism Mom, Neuro-typical Mom, Nurse, Braves Fanatic, Dawg4Life, and mostly I'm just doing the best I can. Lots have changed since we were last together. I FINALLY went back to school and got that RN that I've been dreaming of for almost 15 years. Got a new job which I love. The best coworkers anyone could ask for with similar backgrounds and I truly feel that I finally belong somewhere. Now to the good stuff.... If you are unaware, I am an Autism mom. My sweet, angel baby Noah is thirteen and is on the Autism Spectrum. Diagnosed just shy of his third birthday so we are over ten years in. People often say to me, "I don't know how you do it." It's simple really. What other choice do I have? He is a bright spot on a cloudy day. Full of love and giggles and cheese bread. My gentle giant. My big bear hug when I've had a long day. My lover of Taylor Swift. My purp...

Well friends, 2019 is almost done. What a year! This year was about self reflection and bettering myself. I definitely want to be a better wife, sister, daughter, friend, etc, etc, etc...but most of all I want to be a better MOM! I have always been the type of human to over process and over analyze everything. You name it. I overthink it. All of it. So naturally when I found out I was pregnant with Noah, I went right to wondering if I’d be a good mama, but all women do that. Then when we got our Autism diagnosis, it was a spiral! Will he talk? Will he... won’t he... so many thoughts. It’s amazing to me that I’m not as worried about him talking as he gets older. I'm more worried about if he's kind, if he's smiling, and if he's happy. It's so taboo, a person's ability to talk says nothing about his or her level of happiness, yet that is the question I'm asked most. "Do you think he'll ever talk?" It's never, "is he happy?' I know e...

I know what you're thinking. Does she even remember how to type? How long has it even been since she's published a blog? If you answered seventeen months, you're right! Insert excuses like kids, life, work, etc., etc., etc. I apologize. I haven't written in so long not because I have nothing to write about or no advances to report to you. I haven't written in so long because I haven't been INSPIRED to write. Well with the events in the last couple months, I've been INSPIRED to write. Let's see if I remember how to do this... Friends, I want to talk to you about something not so happy. Sad. Difficult. Heartbreaking. None of these words describe the severity of the hurt and pain in my heart. NONE. But life has a funny way of waking us up from a peaceful sleep and reminding us that it's not always happy. It's real and so damn hard. Wednesday, February 21 was fine. I got up and got ready for work like any other morning. Nothing significant. I hoo...

Picture a house. Your dream house. Hard wood floors, tiled shower, jetted bathtub, tall ceilings, gourmet kitchen. Everything you've ever wanted. Now one thing I should mention. No dishwasher. But you don't really mind the dish washing by hand. But there's a space where the dishwasher should be. You are perfectly happy washing the dishes, but all you can see is the place where a dishwasher goes. Your dream house is still your dream, just missing something. On August 31 at 12:16 AM, I got my "dishwasher." All 5 lbs and 15 oz. With tears streaming and heart racing, I stared at this baby girl for about 30 seconds before they whisked her away to the nursery. She was my missing piece: the hole I didn't know I was missing and was completely aware of all at the same time. The first time Noah saw her she was four days old. She was in the NICU and it was the first day I felt somewhat normal. Tired and sore, but with two babies to love. I held her close and Kevin pu...

Today, while gathered with the family watching football I was surfing Facebook. I came across a story of a young mother who was asked to leave a restaurant she was eating in with her family. Why you ask? Her autistic son was "disturbing the other guests." She replied to the manager that her son was special needs to which he replied that he understood but those people didn't care. Is it just me or is that unacceptable? And sadly, that news story is one among many. When did this world become a place where people with special needs are treated as though they are less? Why are their  needs any less important than neuro-typical people? Why are they treated like less? These questions flooded my mind. And there I was. Sobbing during a football game surrounded by everyone. I've been where she's been. I've felt the hurt and panic and rage all at the same time. There's just something sometimes that rattles our sweet baby's minds and there's no way to kno...

It's 7 pm on a school night and I've decided to see how far I can take this potty training thing. So, here goes. I take the diaper off; I put the big boy underwear on; I give him a juice box. Now, we wait. I set a timer for fifteen minutes on my phone. Two rounds and no pee pee. Ten minutes into the third round and he's dry. Excellent. Minute thirteen, I check him and he's gone ALL over the couch. Really? Good grief. I know it's not his fault. I know he can't help it. That day I had failed. So, I put a diaper on him and give him a big kiss, fighting tears. Big, fat, hot tears. Tears of frustration not at my  boy but at "Autism." I tuck him into bed and then I let go. Scrubbing the couch and floor and rug and any other surface that I deemed necessary for my wrath with disinfectant and tears. Autism wins. Sometimes, Autism wins. And it's not pretty. It doesn't come in a beautiful package to unwrap. It's raw and ugly. Short fuses, repetition...

My Dearest Noah, Today you are five years old. And I cannot believe it. My darling boy, oh the dreams and ambitions I have for you. To be happy first and foremost, but to have a purpose. You've done so much already, more than I could have ever imagined in my wildest dreams. I truly believe you were sent to this Earth to make people happy. You are kind, sweet and so intuitive. How can this much kindness be in such a young heart!? You, my sweet, got that from your Nanny. So patient and endearing, I am amazed at how much you've taught me. I knew I'd love you but I was never sure how much. To the moon and back just doesn't seem to be enough. It far surpasses that particular distance...my love for you is immeasurable.  You, in your short five years, have touched the lives of so many. And I can say with pure certainty that you will continue to touch many more lives. We are all better for knowing you. You battle the unknown every day and you are ALWAYS smiling. I knew...

Before my husband was my husband, my son was diagnosed with Autism. I'm sure all of you reading this already know that. I do not hide it and I do not mask it. We'd only been dating for about seven months. Well "Diagnosis Day" as it's now known (8/5/13), I gave him an out. I said that I couldn't promise him everything would be okay. I couldn't promise that Noah would grow up and function on his own and move out and get a job. But I definitely couldn't promise that he wouldn't. Not my finest moment, I admit. He said and I quote, "I'm not going anywhere." What a testament to how a real man should act. What did I do to deserve this man? This man that has promised to stand beside me and help mold this tiny little guy into the best big guy he can be. No motives. No hidden agendas. Just love. You should see the way that little guy looks at him. Joy. The word pure comes to mind. Noah's feelings are pure. No drama. No manipulation. Just...

There's a quote in one of my clinic manager's offices that reads, “Sometimes your life is defined by a single moment. Let it be today .”  I know many people will choose the day they were married or the day a child was born and while those days hold a place in my heart so special that anything else just seems insignificant. But a DEFINING moment. A moment that decides your fate as a human being. Well, that moment I remember perfectly... I was more nervous than the day I got married (either time) or when I actually gave birth to Noah. More anxious. More anything really. Emotions were high and it was almost like a dream. An alternate reality really. But anyway, on with the moment. August 5, 2012. It was hot. And I don't mean "wow, I'm sweating." I mean wet shirt, hair up, LORD HAVE MERCY hot. August in Tennessee, there's really nothing but hot. Noah was less than three weeks shy of three years old. He had a way of making all the sadness go away, like air dr...

I read a quote once saying that a mother is a person who does the work of twenty. For free. I find this statement to be insanely true. Somebody always has something for me to do, see, feel, etc., etc. I admit it! There are times when Noah just touches my arm and I full on break down. Thinking: if he brings me one more package of grits, I may lose my mind. So, I get up. I make the grits. He takes one look at them and runs away. Um, hello!? Seriously? And if that wasn't the hundredth time he's done this I'd be fine with it. As I sit here, Noah to my left playing games on his iPad, I can't help but laugh and forget about all that annoying stuff. I soak in this moment. His head on my knee occasionally looking up at me with these big blue sweet eyes and a big smile. That's it. That's why I'm here. This is my purpose. To raise this darling little boy. To guide his journey and teach him to function in society. There is not a breakthrough everyday. But, someho...

When Noah was diagnosed on August 5, 2013, we were told to only focus on the short term. Imagine someone in child development telling you that you cannot worry about your child graduating high school or getting married or moving out of your house and getting a job and starting his own family. What am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to take that? Who are you to tell me something like that? Then I think, hmm, maybe that's absolutely wonderful advice. She absolutely never said it wouldn't happen. She just said don't worry about it NOW. It's the same as 13, 14, and 15 year old kids worrying and wondering what kind of car they'll drive and freshman and sophomores worrying and wondering about what college they'll attend. But in the same breath, how can anyone say, "don't worry" when it comes to your child. Special needs or not. It's in the blueprint of being a mom. It's embedded in our brains. Lord have mercy, I've gone insan...